Bilbo and I

Roads go ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.
-The Hobbit-J. R. R. Tolkien

My adventures aren't quite like the ones that mr. Baggins had on his first journey away from Bag End, but I feel an odd connection to this song he sang when he first laid eyes on his home at his journey's end.

Roads go ever on, he says, and they do. Life can be dreadful from time to time, but the roads go ever on. Life is a journey and God's will is not found at the end of it, but within the journey itself. But oh, will it feel good to finally arrive home after a journey's end. After life's struggles and messiness, a wash of peace will overcome when you first lay eyes on that blessed place. No more dragons to slay, barrels to be shoved in, giant spiders to scare off, friends to save, people to impress, or unknown paths in scary forests. No more wargs and goblins chasing after you, kings imprisoning you, or trolls to out-smart. Though each one of these trials has ultimately morphed you into someone much different then who you were at the beginning, some days you just want to say, "Okay! Enough. Please let me sit back, take this all in, and figure out who I have become. Please, just stop for now so that I can get my bearings."

As I have been growing up rather rapidly in these past few years I find myself becoming weary. I'm tired of figuring myself out. I'm tired of fighting dragons and out-smarting trolls. I'm especially sick of people convicting me without knowing who I am and what I need (but that's for another blog). I'm tired of trying to keep up with the latestpr awesomest this or that. I just wish that I could settle within my skin, love and be proud of myself, so that I can stop focussing on me. But I always get in the way. My fears, apprenhensions, feelings of inadequacy and so on take hold so that the general public has a misconstrued idea of who Bethany really is. But at the same time I'm tired of trying to prove myself and show others who I am, or can be.

And my road goes ever on. And thank the Lord for that. Under mountains in the moon or through the merry flowers of June, my road goes ever on. Others say, "I understand" but I don't believe them because the struggle feels so deeply mine...and only mine. How can they actually understand my struggles, apprehensions, and so on. They cannot fully understand. They may know the feelings and have walked up similar mountains in the moon...but they cannot truly know. I think that this is why I still hold on to God. He has been through every single spec of life with me. walked every mountain with me...within me. He truly does understand, and that is something to hold on to, is it not? How lonely life would be without another in the world to walk with you and know every inch of your journey. The great understander. Jehovah-Shammah.

In the beginnings of my journey I thought that I was missing this type of companionship because I didn't have a boyfriend beside me. And I have struggled with this a lot in my life, feeling like God had left me alone on this earth to experience life in solitude. But the funny thing is that he was there all along. He never told me where to go, who to befriend, or what I'm supposed to strive for. He was simply there with me as I made my decisions. He did set up shepherds to help me along the way, people and passages to help when me when I was confused and needed it but he never said, "if you stray but a little bit, your journey's over and I'm outta here." No matter which rock or tree I go over or under, He's there with me and I change...how could you not.

Life is exhuasting when full of goblins, dragons, and trolls specially designed for you. And there are days and days when there is little left in you that wants to work through these trials. But the cool thing, or maybe the daunting thing, is that the road goes ever on whether you want to face things or not...whether you wake up or not. The road goes ever on. Learning, growing, changing, living. The road goes ever on. Jehovah-Rohi will take your hand, see into your eyes, know your inmost being and press on with you till you reach your journeys end.

Roads go ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone,
Turn at last to home afar.

Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known.
(The Hobbit)

-Bethany